All Purpose-Super Jesus!

Learn to use your omnipotent super Jesus powers today! The startup package includes this bright flashy book by Bill Johnson for only 29.99 plus tax. Limited supply and there selling like hot cakes! Stop by the bookstore in the lobby and pick up your copy today! Our mega-church is open from 8 am to 2:30 pm every Sunday offering a variety of Sunday school classes and services to suit your needs and desires. There is no need to stop for coffee on the way to church; we now have a Starbucks in the foyer (right across from the book store) for your convenience! (Please give a little extra to the offering so we can pay the salary of the money changers! And by the way, the standard Tithe has been raised from ten percent of your gross income to fifteen percent; please make a note of that. Tithe envelopes are provided in the back of your pews, remember your tithe is tax deductable!) Our Traditional service starts at nine am for you early risers that prefer the classic old-school style Jesus and features Old Testament readings, congregational hymns written during the Crusades, long pious congregational prayers with plenty of thee’s and thou’s, a weekly quote by our sponsor George W. Bush, and old timey hell fire and brimstone preaching by our Senior Pastor Rev. Gilly Brahm who just turned 95 last week (Happy Birthday!) Our Contemporary service begins immediately following at approximately 10:30 and features a more hip, up to date, westernized Jesus. Come and worship Jesus in style as our house band plays Christian parodies to Boston and Foreigner as well as heartfelt love songs from the 80’s in which the word “Baby” is replaced with “Jesus.” Enjoy the light show and smoke machine! This service comes with the extra option to raise your hands in the air, clap to the beat (on 2 and 4 please) and speak in your prayer language! (If you do not have one, one will be provided for you by one of our lovely tongue coaches.) We do allow dancing, however, no booty shaking or other vulgar expressions please, but feel free to convulse on the floor moaning and groaning as the spirit gives you utterance. See you Sunday!